There are now literally millions of people trying and finding success with online dating. However, there are more that don't have success and just feel rejected and alone. So before you jump in, it's worth taking some time to improve your chances.
Your picture is worth 1000 words, and 100 dates.
Raise your hand if you hoped you might be able to do all this without putting up a picture?
Oh no. What about a selfie taken on your phone or an old photo with other people in it?
Bad Profile Creator, Bad!
I'm sorry to say, but you will need photos, and you might even need to spend some time creating them so they are tailored to your online dating message.
Psychologists have been studying online dating for about as long as people have been trying it, and they have found some interesting things. Basically, everyone feels that everyone else is lying largely because there is no way to check if they are telling the truth. In real life we like reading other people's non-verbal cues to judge if we think they are lying. But because online there are less of those, everyone assumes you are lying, and the few cues that remain take on even greater importance.
In order to come across as honest, you need to support what you are saying with as much evidence as possible. Your photo is one of the strongest supports you can give, because it is the least manipulable. (Yes, you can Photoshop it, but that is way harder than just typing 'I'm super sexy'. Think about it.) So you need a photo - well, actually a few.
Not only do you need them, but you need them to look good. How the photo is taken and a myriad of other little tells will give away more information about you than you know. Thinking of putting up a shot you've clearly taken yourself? This immediately says that you have no friends, because you couldn't find one single other people who could hold the camera for you. Yup, that's how much people will read into your photos.
Don't panic. While bad photos can scream a lot of different things, just for you I've gone through the most common mistakes that are made online, and exactly what these types of photos say about you. Avoid them, and you will be doing well.
1. Having a Picture of Something Else
Looking through a list of potential matches, face after face, and then suddenly, bam. A sunset. Or a dog. Or some other random object. While you may just be shy, or trying to get across the message you love animals, this is not how it is going to be interpreted. Immediately the user is going to think that there is something very wrong with your face, or that you are massively insecure (which leads to clingy, needy, psychopathic, etc.) No matter how insecure you are, always put up a photo of yourself. It's just not fair otherwise.
2. Me with All My Mates
Why would you do this? It seems ridiculous to me, but I've seen it so many times it's made the list. First of all, it shows that you haven't put any effort into creating your profile. You couldn't even be bothered to find a photo of just you. Second, every girl will always assume that you are the most unattractive guy in the photo. Now, if part of your profile message is that you have really great mates, then you might want a photo of all of you doing things. However, this would not be your primary photo. And even then, there is always the risk of the girl going 'hmm... that other guy's cuter...'. So overall I don't recommend it. If you have to, recreate the photo with just you.
3. You with Another Girl
Having a member of the opposite sex in your photo is not a great idea. You might think you are sending the message 'look, other hot people think I'm worth hanging out with', but that is not the message received, particularly by girls. When people are looking online, they are usually quite defensive and critical. Any photo of a member of the same sex around the same age (doesn't count if it is a baby or your grandma), is going to be judged very harshly. Consequently, you will be judged for liking such a person. Don't give people a chance to write you off because of their insecurities.
4. Comic Ugly Shot
Making yourself ugly on purpose is a bad idea, even if it is a hilarious photo. Trust me when I say that everyone will assume that your worst photo is the most realistic. You don't want that image of you stuck in their minds when they talk to you, do you? So don't use it.
5. The Headless Horseman
At no point in your profile photos, even if you upload 100 of them, should you have a shot of your body without your head. It is disturbing, to begin with. Even if you have a great body and it is part of your branding to show it off, you can still zoom out that extra little bit to put your head in there. If you can objectify your own body, it suggests you are even worse at objectifying other people. It also completely undermines any suggestion that you are looking for a serious relationship.
6. This Is Me... 10 Years Ago
If you had some super amazing achievement a few years ago, such as winning gold at the Olympics, sure put in an old photo. However, if it is just you standing around and you are trying to pass it off as how you generally look? This is bad. The majority of your photos need to be up to date, with the main photo being within the last few months. If you have a great photo from the past, why not try to recreate it, or even improve on it?
7. This Is My Glamor Shot
You need to be careful using professional glamor shots online. While they might make you look fantastic, there are a few subtle messages that they give off you need to be aware of. First, they are notorious for being unrealistic, so it won't add to how attractive people actually perceive you. Second, they can make you come across as egotistical and self-centered, because you paid to have someone make you look good. You want to create natural looking snaps, that just happen to make you look as good as a professional would.
8. Look At Me, I'm Drunk
No. Not even if your profile message is 'likes a good time'. You are not attractive when you are drunk. No one is. That's pretty much all I've got to say on this.
9. Out of Focus Shots
Any photo where you are not the main focus or difficult to discern probably shouldn't be used. While you want to support your other attributes with photos, you also want to make sure each one clearly shows that you are an attractive human being, and all the other photos weren't just flukes. Unless you have more than four other photos clearly showing your face, I wouldn't waste the opportunity.
Choosing the perfect photo for your online dating profile should not be hard, but based on the evidence available it appears to stump a lot of men. Therefore, avoid these mistakes, and you are already ahead of the game!
Your picture is worth 1000 words, and 100 dates.
Raise your hand if you hoped you might be able to do all this without putting up a picture?
Oh no. What about a selfie taken on your phone or an old photo with other people in it?
Bad Profile Creator, Bad!
I'm sorry to say, but you will need photos, and you might even need to spend some time creating them so they are tailored to your online dating message.
Psychologists have been studying online dating for about as long as people have been trying it, and they have found some interesting things. Basically, everyone feels that everyone else is lying largely because there is no way to check if they are telling the truth. In real life we like reading other people's non-verbal cues to judge if we think they are lying. But because online there are less of those, everyone assumes you are lying, and the few cues that remain take on even greater importance.
In order to come across as honest, you need to support what you are saying with as much evidence as possible. Your photo is one of the strongest supports you can give, because it is the least manipulable. (Yes, you can Photoshop it, but that is way harder than just typing 'I'm super sexy'. Think about it.) So you need a photo - well, actually a few.
Not only do you need them, but you need them to look good. How the photo is taken and a myriad of other little tells will give away more information about you than you know. Thinking of putting up a shot you've clearly taken yourself? This immediately says that you have no friends, because you couldn't find one single other people who could hold the camera for you. Yup, that's how much people will read into your photos.
Don't panic. While bad photos can scream a lot of different things, just for you I've gone through the most common mistakes that are made online, and exactly what these types of photos say about you. Avoid them, and you will be doing well.
1. Having a Picture of Something Else
Looking through a list of potential matches, face after face, and then suddenly, bam. A sunset. Or a dog. Or some other random object. While you may just be shy, or trying to get across the message you love animals, this is not how it is going to be interpreted. Immediately the user is going to think that there is something very wrong with your face, or that you are massively insecure (which leads to clingy, needy, psychopathic, etc.) No matter how insecure you are, always put up a photo of yourself. It's just not fair otherwise.
2. Me with All My Mates
Why would you do this? It seems ridiculous to me, but I've seen it so many times it's made the list. First of all, it shows that you haven't put any effort into creating your profile. You couldn't even be bothered to find a photo of just you. Second, every girl will always assume that you are the most unattractive guy in the photo. Now, if part of your profile message is that you have really great mates, then you might want a photo of all of you doing things. However, this would not be your primary photo. And even then, there is always the risk of the girl going 'hmm... that other guy's cuter...'. So overall I don't recommend it. If you have to, recreate the photo with just you.
3. You with Another Girl
Having a member of the opposite sex in your photo is not a great idea. You might think you are sending the message 'look, other hot people think I'm worth hanging out with', but that is not the message received, particularly by girls. When people are looking online, they are usually quite defensive and critical. Any photo of a member of the same sex around the same age (doesn't count if it is a baby or your grandma), is going to be judged very harshly. Consequently, you will be judged for liking such a person. Don't give people a chance to write you off because of their insecurities.
4. Comic Ugly Shot
Making yourself ugly on purpose is a bad idea, even if it is a hilarious photo. Trust me when I say that everyone will assume that your worst photo is the most realistic. You don't want that image of you stuck in their minds when they talk to you, do you? So don't use it.
5. The Headless Horseman
At no point in your profile photos, even if you upload 100 of them, should you have a shot of your body without your head. It is disturbing, to begin with. Even if you have a great body and it is part of your branding to show it off, you can still zoom out that extra little bit to put your head in there. If you can objectify your own body, it suggests you are even worse at objectifying other people. It also completely undermines any suggestion that you are looking for a serious relationship.
6. This Is Me... 10 Years Ago
If you had some super amazing achievement a few years ago, such as winning gold at the Olympics, sure put in an old photo. However, if it is just you standing around and you are trying to pass it off as how you generally look? This is bad. The majority of your photos need to be up to date, with the main photo being within the last few months. If you have a great photo from the past, why not try to recreate it, or even improve on it?
7. This Is My Glamor Shot
You need to be careful using professional glamor shots online. While they might make you look fantastic, there are a few subtle messages that they give off you need to be aware of. First, they are notorious for being unrealistic, so it won't add to how attractive people actually perceive you. Second, they can make you come across as egotistical and self-centered, because you paid to have someone make you look good. You want to create natural looking snaps, that just happen to make you look as good as a professional would.
8. Look At Me, I'm Drunk
No. Not even if your profile message is 'likes a good time'. You are not attractive when you are drunk. No one is. That's pretty much all I've got to say on this.
9. Out of Focus Shots
Any photo where you are not the main focus or difficult to discern probably shouldn't be used. While you want to support your other attributes with photos, you also want to make sure each one clearly shows that you are an attractive human being, and all the other photos weren't just flukes. Unless you have more than four other photos clearly showing your face, I wouldn't waste the opportunity.
Choosing the perfect photo for your online dating profile should not be hard, but based on the evidence available it appears to stump a lot of men. Therefore, avoid these mistakes, and you are already ahead of the game!
About the Author:
This has been adapted from Buffy Greentree's new book The Nice Guy's Guide To Online Dating Profiles, available on Amazon and Buffy's website, www.100firstdrafts.com.
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